Let It Go
by TheBaritone
Summary: After the death of Edith Keeler, Kirk is torn apart. McCoy wishes he could help his friend, but doesn't know how. No slash.
1. Chapter 1

"Let's get the hell out of here."

His words were spoken softly, yet to McCoy they sounded as cold as ice. Had the man even realized what he had done?

"Yes Doctor, he knows what he's done." Spock's words echoed in McCoy's ears. If he knew what he had done, why had he done it? Bitter rage burned inside him. He had cared for Edith Keeler, she was a kind gentle woman and she had nursed him back to health. McCoy took a deep breath. He didn't want to judge Kirk's actions just yet, but he could think of nothing that would justify allowing such a horrible thing to happen.

Once aboard the Enterprise, he ordered Kirk and Spock to follow him to sickbay, muttering about twentieth century diseases. By the time they entered his office, he could take it no longer. He exploded. "How could you do that!? How could you let Edith Keeler die!?"

Kirk did not immediately reply. McCoy was surprised. He had expected him to come right back at him, but instead he hesitated for a moment before saying quietly, "I had to."

Something in Kirk's voice told McCoy something was wrong. He had gone to far. "What do you mean, you had to?" he asked, softer now.

"It..." Kirk paused. He seemed on the verge of a breakdown. Fortunately, Spock stepped in. "In the original time line, you never stopped Edith Keeler from dying. She was killed in an accident."

"So I stopped her from dying. Most people see that as a good thing, Spock."

"Perhaps if we were in our own time, saving a person could have been a good thing. However, we were in Earth's past. By saving Miss Keeler, you altered history. In the time line in which you saved her she went on to speak for peace to the nation's leaders. She delayed the United States' entrance into the second World War, allowing Germany to develop the atomic bomb first. The axis powers won the war and the world was plunged into a dark age. Thousands died who did not die before. Also, Earth's space programs were never developed. The Enterprise never existed. The captain and I were forced to go back to stop you."

Kirk was turned away. McCoy realized how harsh he had been on his friend. "Jim..." he began, but Kirk knew what he he was going to say. He held up his hand. "It's fine, Bones," he said slowly, clearly trying not to cry. "Jim!"

McCoy put his hand on Kirk's shoulder. "Jim, I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Bones," the captain repeated, more forceful this time. McCoy didn't know what to say. He knew something more had happened down there than what he had seen and what Spock had told him, but he didn't want to ask what. He felt he should say something for Kirk, but he was at a loss. Instead he sighed and took out his small, cylindrical medical scanner. He held it over first Kirk's then Spock's body. "It doesn't look like you picked up anything," he muttered when he was finished.

"We had better get back to the bridge then," said Kirk. His voice was flat. He turned towards the door.

"No, you'd better not get back to the bridge," retorted McCoy. "As the ship's chief medical officer, I'm ordering you to rest." Uncharacteristically, Kirk obliged and walked out the door and in the direction of his cabin, which gave the doctor more evidence that something was very wrong. Spock followed the captain out and as he stepped into the corridor, McCoy called to him, "You too, Spock!"

Two hours later, McCoy made his way to Kirk's quarters. He knew he had been unfair earlier and felt that he needed to make amends. The sensor outside the door scanned him and identified him as CMO Leonard H. McCoy. It immediately slid open. Kirk must have programmed it to allow McCoy to enter without asking the captain for permission. The lights were low when he entered. Kirk sat at his desk with his head lying on his arms. He apparently had not noticed McCoy enter. "Jim?"

Kirk looked up, surprised. "Bones?" His voice had that same flat tone it had carried earlier and his eyes were dull. McCoy sensed that he was greatly upset. "What are you doing here?"

"Jim, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing, Bones."

"Is it about Edith Keeler?" Kirk said nothing. "You know," McCoy continued, "there was nothing you could have done. Edith Keeler had to die. There was no other way."

"I know," said Kirk softly. "I just wish things could have been different."

"We all do. But it was just one woman compared to the thousands you saved."

Kirk's eyes flamed. "Just one woman!?" He raised his voice. "Bones, how can you say that!?"

"Jim, I didn't mean it that way! It's just that it could have been as lot...Jim?" Kirk tried to hide it, but he couldn't stop the tears that filled his eyes and slowly started to run down his face. "Jim," McCoy said again, softer this time.

"I'm sorry, Bones. I didn't..." Kirk stopped, not able to continue. McCoy waited as he took a moment to calm down. He felt guilty for upsetting his normally calm friend so much, though he knew there was something else, something unknown to him, causing him this pain. Finally, Kirk took a deep breath and repeated, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let you see that. I just – Bones, I loved her!"

Understanding hit McCoy like a wave. He had loved her. He put a hand on Kirk's shoulder. "I'm sorry," McCoy said quietly. Then he left the room, leaving Kirk to face his immense pain alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Shore leave on Taysa III, a class M planet, had the crew of the Enterprise excited and eager to get to the system. Aside from Spock, who remained as unemotional as ever, only Kirk seemed disinterested. For the two weeks since the incident on the Guardian of Forever's planet, he hadn't seemed interested in much of anything. That was what worried McCoy as he stood on the bridge, working on a red-shirted ensign's electrical burn. The captain sat in his chair, staring blankly at the view-screen.

"Standard orbit in two minutes, sir," announced Sulu.

"Lieutenant Uhura, send a message to the planet's government. Let them know we'll be taking orbit." Though Kirk gave orders as he always did, his eyes held none of their usual excitement – and they hadn't for two weeks.

Two and a half minutes later, Kirk ordered Uhura to announce to the crew that there was to be authorized shore leave for all off-duty personnel. As the communications officer complied, McCoy finished with the ensign's hand. He walked to the turbo-lift. "Captain," he said. Kirk looked up at him. "Come with me for a minute."

Kirk stood and followed him into the lift. The doors closed behind him. "What is it, Bones?"

McCoy noticed the paleness of Kirk's face and the dark shadows around his eyes. "Dammit Jim," he said. "Haven't you been sleeping at all?"

"Some," Kirk replied, a bit absently.

"How much is some?" asked McCoy, doubting it was a sufficient amount.

"Enough," the captain answered, but the yawn that followed gave him away. The lift came to a stop and they stepped out into an empty corridor.

"I doubt it. How much, Jim?"

Kirk relented. "Maybe two – three hours last night."

"Jim! That's next to nothing. Why haven't you been sleeping?"

A shadow crossed his friend's face. He glanced away. "I don't want to talk about it, Bones."

McCoy didn't push him. He would find out eventually."Just promise me something, Jim."

"What is it?"

"Go down to Taysa for shore leave."

"I have work to do."

"No you don't. You told me yourself you're far ahead on your paperwork."

"I..."

"Promise me, Jim."

Kirk sighed. "Alright." And with that he turned and stepped back into the turbo-lift, looking, despite McCoy's presence, dejected and alone.

"You know, festiwals were inwented in Russia," McCoy heard Chekov say as he squeezed by him, leading a local girl by the hand. The ensign pushed past several more people saying, "'Scuse me, 'scuse me." Even the agile ensign seemed to have some difficulty working his way through the rebuilt ruins of Taysa's oldest and largest ziggurat. Despite its size, the temple was packed to its limits with celebrating locals and Enterprise crew members. Though the Festival of Rayto came from a religion so old it no longer held any significance, the Taysans annually threw huge festivals to celebrate.

McCoy was beginning to get uncomfortable in the crowded and stuffy ziggurat. He managed to force his way through the crowd and finally made it to one of the exits. The cool wind against his face felt good. He decided to go to the nearby town. A walk would be nice, the doctor thought. He set off.

It took nearly half an hour to get to the town. By the time McCoy arrived, it had already been raining for fifteen minutes. It had started as a drizzle, but had quickly begun to pour. He began to regret taking the walk. At least it had been dry in the temple. McCoy stopped under a plastic overhang to watch some women dancing in the street. He found interesting how the Taysans had advanced so much technologically yet continued to practice their ancient rituals. He stayed where he was for a while until the women moved on to dance somewhere else. McCoy stepped out into the rain and shivered. He started in the direction of a nearby bar. Perhaps a drink would warm him up.

Despite the rain, the streets were still crowded with celebrating people. Deciding that he didn't want to push his way through the crowds, McCoy decided to take a small alley behind the buildings. The alley was nearly deserted, and those people that were there seemed to have the same goal as McCoy – to get where they were going without pushing through the crowds. Unfortunately, walking through a back alley had its drawbacks. Without seeing the fronts of the buildings, he could not remember where he had seen that bar earlier. He had just about decided to go back to the busy streets when he saw a man slumped on the ground behind a small shop. His back was turned to the doctor, but he knew instantly from the muddy gold tunic who it was. "Jim!"

Kirk did not respond. McCoy rushed over to him and turned him onto his back. His skin was cold and pale and his breathing was rough. Even without his medical tricorder, McCoy could tell that it was pneumonia – and that the captain was very drunk. He reached for a hypo, then realized that he hadn't brought any with him. Instead he pulled out his communicator and flipped it open. "McCoy to Enterprise."

"Enterprise," came Lieutenant Kyle's voice. "Transporter room."

"Two to beam up." He put his communicator back in his pocket, then lifted Kirk by his armpits as the transporter started and their molecules were converted to energy and back again. When they had fully materialized, McCoy saw Kyle standing at the transporter controls. His eyes widened as he saw Kirk. "What happened?" he asked. McCoy ignored him. Kirk was beginning to regain consciousness so he lifted the captain's arm over his shoulder and pulled him into a near standing position. He left the transporter room and walked to sickbay, half supporting, half dragging Kirk. He wondered the same thing as Kyle. What had happened?

Ten minutes later Kirk sat on the edge of a bio-bed. He wiped his running nose with the tissue McCoy had given him. His soaked gold tunic lay next to him. McCoy stood nearby, frowning. He was shocked at how much thinner Kirk had become since the death of Edith Keeler. His ribs were beginning to show in his shirtless torso. He guessed that the captain had been eating less than he had been sleeping. "Well Jim, what happened on that planet? I found you passed out in the street, drunker than a Vulcan with an Andorian cocoa." He already suspected the answer, but Kirk was not in the mood to withhold the truth.

"Bones, do you remember that old novelist who wrote that book – where he said that the three words even better than 'I love you,' were 'let me help?'"

"Vaguely."

"Edith and I – we were out one night and she – she said that to me and we spoke of that particular novel. Then, when I beamed down earlier, I thought I would try to enjoy the dancers. But there were two locals behind me – a girl and a boy. The boy, he was only about six or so, tripped and the girl held out her hand to him and said, 'here, let me help,' just the way Edith had said it. The memories all just came back to me. I couldn't take it anymore?"

"So you ran off to a bar to drink yourself into oblivion, then couldn't remember what was going on and passed out in the cold rain?"

"That pretty much sums it up."

It nearly broke McCoy's heart to see his friend so broken up. He sighed. "Can you breathe better now?"

Kirk coughed. "Some."

"The hypos will take full effect in a few hours. Get some sleep now. It's obvious you haven't been getting near enough lately. You still haven't told me why not."

Kirk was too exhausted to resist McCoy's questioning anymore. "When I'm in bed and not doing anything, that's when I can't help thinking about her. It keeps me awake – wondering if I had done something differently." McCoy walked over to his selection of hypos and picked one up. Kirk didn't notice. "When I do sleep, I just dream of the accident."

McCoy injected the hypo into Kirk's arm. The captain's eyes widened. "Bones!"

"I know you don't like sedatives," he muttered. "But its better this way."

Kirk's eyes began to close as he drifted into sleep. "Bones," he whispered. "Thank you."

McCoy didn't know if his friend heard him or not, as the last threads of consciousness slipped away from him, but he whispered back:

"Let it go, Jim."


	3. Chapter 3

Sleep did not come easily to Jim Kirk. At around two o'clock in the morning, he had finally forced himself to go to bed – after all, he would have to be up by six – but as soon as his head hit the pillow, the memories washed over him. He bit his lip and gripped the edge of the pillow, not wanting to let the tears spill from his eyes. _You can forget her_, one side of him said. _No,_ said the other._ It would be an insult to her memory to forget._ The confusion only increased his sadness. The tears began and he cried silently. He hated his own weakness and was grateful that no one was there to see him. Finally, after more than an hour, he fell asleep.

The view-screen showed another Federation ship – or at least what remained of it. "All systems are dead," reported Spock.

"Any signs of life?" asked Kirk.

"Unknown. There is some sort of interference with our sensors."

"Lieutenant Uhura, try to make contact with the ship." There was no response. "Lieutenant?"

Kirk turned around. Uhura was not at her station. He turned back around. "Mr. Sulu, do you..." He stopped. The helmsman was not there. Neither were the rest of the Enterprise crew members. Instead, standing in front of him was Edith Keeler. "Edith?"

She smiled. "Jim."

"Edith, how..." He suddenly understood. "I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

"Yes," she answered sadly. Now that Kirk knew he was dreaming, he started to fell a pull towards the real world. _No,_ he thought, _I want to stay_. Edith took his hand. "Edith, I'm sorry."

"I know, Jim. You had to do it. You can let it go."

"I don't want to forget."

"Then don't forget. But don't let the past rule your life. You did the right thing and you can't change it."

Kirk felt himself waking up, "I love you," he said quickly.

Edith smiled again. "I love you too."

Suddenly, he was back in his bed. The chronometer showed 5:30, standard time. The corners of his lips turned up in a sad half-smile. Despite the pain of loss in his heart, he had been brought out of the darkness that had consumed him for nearly three weeks.

_You can let it go._

The ship shook, knocking McCoy into the wall. Straightening, he muttered something and rubbed his bruised arm. Several more tremors followed as he made his way to the bridge. Once he arrived, the first thing he noticed was the huge cluster of asteroids on the view-screen. "Fire photon torpedoes," ordered Kirk.

The Enterprise shook again as it was hit by another asteroid. Kirk pressed a button on his command chair. "Mr. Scott, are shields still holding?"

"Aye sir," came the engineer's voice, "but not for much longer. If we keep on being hit at this rate, maybe another ten minutes."

"Good, Scotty. We should have destroyed the rest of the asteroids by then." McCoy was shocked to hear Kirk's voice sound so alive. The captain turned to face him. "Doctor McCoy." He nodded in greeting.

"What's going on?"

"A meteor shower was threatening an agricultural base on Taurus IV. We're destroying it before it arrives." Kirk's eyes shone with confidence.

McCoy wondered what had happened to change Kirk so much. He seemed his old self again. When the remaining asteroids had been destructed nine minutes later, he said casually, "You're in a good mood today."

Kirk knew what he was getting at. "I can't dwell on the past. Edith Keeler was the most remarkable woman I've ever met, but I can't change what happened. I have to let it go." He looked at McCoy for a moment before adding, "And I still have her memory." Then Kirk did something the doctor had not seen him do for nearly three weeks. He smiled.


End file.
